They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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