Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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