HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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