his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
