people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
