Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You dont lie about slip and slides
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
