I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
