I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
