I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
