I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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