She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
