we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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