wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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