I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
