i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
