i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize