your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
