Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
