I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
