Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
