just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
