I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
