also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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