i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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