Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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