i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
