i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
