she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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