I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
