he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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