The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
