halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She bit a glass in half.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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