She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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