I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
