He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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