i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
