I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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