I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
he puts the penis in happiness.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
