Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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