oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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