the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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