dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
