oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
