Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
