dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
