i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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