I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
