I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
