Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
