Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
