the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
