proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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