I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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