i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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