I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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