haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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