Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
