If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
