I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
