he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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