I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
