My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
