Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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