It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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